Vampires Suck

Why? A simple question. Why? An adverb meant to express puzzlement and curiosity. Why in the holy bejesus fuck are Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg still working in the film business? How the shitting dolphin rotten bitch cunt they are able to get their "movies" financed, put into production and actually released in theatres for public consumption is beyond me. And how the decomposed dinosaur foreskin their "films" manage to actually make money at the box office is a disgrace to not only humanity, not only the universe, but everything that has ever existed in every single dimension to come out of God's tight, hairy asshole.

These two fuck-heads are not filmmakers. They're not. They're two retarded monkeys who just so happened to find a camera and then proceeded to film themselves eating each others shit and sold the footage to a movie company. They have already made Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans and Disaster Movie (the last two were actually released in the same cunting year) and now they have finally made their masterpiece. By masterpiece, I mean their biggest accomplishment, the big cheese. In other words, they have successfully created the worst movie. Ever. Made. Period.

This time, Seltzer and Friedberg sat down and watched the first two Twilight movies and decided, "Hmm, derp, we, uh, derp, should, uh, derp, copy this movie and, uh, derp, do lots of, uh, derp, stupid, derp, unfunny, derp, jokes every millisecond and the audiences, uh, derp, will eat it up." Words simply cannot express how utterly painful and brain-dead this movie is. But fuck it, I'm gonna try.

The film (I'm using that term lightly) basically steals the plot (ha, plot!) of Twilight and New Moon, with our adolescent main character Becca (Jenn Proske) moving to the city of Sporks with her father. But something is very strange about this city. That's right, it was made by Seltzer and Friedberg, so it's an unrealistic pile of cow vomit! No, actually the city is infested with vampires, one of which, a good one named Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), Becca falls for. Cos he's so hot and sparkly.

Meanwhile, three evil vampires are killing and feeding on locals, one of which actually fights back and punches one of the vampires in the face, because that's so god damn funny. Not. Anyway, Becca and Edward come across them and Edward kills one of them with a baseball bat and then there's some gay jokes, some fart jokes and the film continues while I just sit there, staring blankly at the screen, distraught, heavily disturbed and begging for the sweet release at the bony hands of Death himself because I really, really don't give a rat's ass anymore.

Look, I like all four Scary Movies, I like The Naked Gun and I like both Airplane films. Heck, I even enjoyed Superhero Movie, as stupid and silly as it was. What I don't like is this, or anything these two testicle-brained doofuses have ever put to the big screen. Unlike the eight aforementioned spoofs, Vampires Suck does not have any wit, not one good joke, no humour or any hint of thought-process put into its production.

What we get is a series of bricks falling on top of people, burp jokes, people being thrown into pianos, never-ending pop culture references, people falling over again and again, people being hit by car doors, people getting smacked in the head with shovels and basically every throw-away visual gag that doesn't require any intelligence, mentality or use of brain cells. "Mind-numbing" is not a strong enough word.

You can practically see Seltzer and Friedberg down on their knees, pleading to you, begging for you, the audience, the viewer, their money-source to look at the film and give a tiny little implication of anything that could possibly be said to resemble something that could maybe, just maybe be called a smile. But they won't get what they want. I literally did not laugh, chortle, snigger or even smile at any of the hundreds upon thousands of so-called jokes that these couple of numbskulls lazily threw at me.

I can't even give the film credit for spoofing Twilight, a series despised and spit upon by many, because it's done in such an appalling and cringe-worthy fashion that it doesn't deserve to be called entertainment. Some of the film's jokes aren't even original, I spotted one directly robbed from The Simpsons, another from Wallace and Gromit, and there's some that are just rehashes from their previous movies and many taken from Scary Movie. It's fucking ridiculous.

In fact, the only thing in this entire torture show that I can award with respect, other than the fact that it's thankfully only 76 minutes long, is the casting of Jenn Proske. Playing the Bella copycat, she perfectly mimics the traits and glum personality of Kristen Stewart's character in the Twilight franchise to a tee. It is quite impressive. But then again, she's just impersonating someone else, so she can't get the film a single mark. Bad luck.

The rest of the cast are just sore losers of look-alike competitions without any acting ability or memorable portrayals, or maybe that's just the awful script they're reading from. Each character has the exact same personality, i.e. quirky, bizarre, weird, over-the-top, sadomasochistic. They do stupid things, say stupid things, emit gases of stupidity, all of which isn't the slightest bit funny or smart, so I just want them all to fuck off and go burn in a fire somewhere.

As an example of how lazy Vampires Suck is, I noticed that all of the music is taken from other movies. As in, the filmmakers didn't even bother to get someone to do a score for it, they just took music from other films and splattered them in the background. And no, it's not like Inglorious Basterds or Shutter Island, the music-taken-from-other-movies aspect serves no purpose whatsoever here, other than pure slothfulness.

Don't see this movie. Seriously, just don't even bother, you'll be wasting just over an hour of your life when you could be at home, drawing doodles or making your own little home movies with your camcorder, which I can pretty much guarantee will be much, much better than this unfunny, horribly made, unfathomably bad piece of shit. Seltzer and Friedberg, fuck you.

0/10.