The Roommate

I find it difficult to categorise "The Roommate" as a thriller, as there is barely a millisecond of its runtime that is even the slightest bit thrilling. It has the opportunity for nerve-stabbing tension, some scenes almost getting there, but not quite reaching their nail-biting potential. It's like the fat kid racing around the running track at school -- you can see he's trying, but you know he's coming last and will probably fall on his perspiring face quite a few times.

The film is directed by Christian E. Christiansen (that's his real name, I'm not kidding), a Danish filmmaker who, for some reason, was once nominated for an Oscar. Mind you, it was just for a short film in 2007. In his American debut, he's definitely not in Academy Award-nominated mode, though, directing a film that is incompetent at nearly every single thing it does. Unlike the fat kid racing around the running track at school, you do not feel sorry for it.

In the lead role is Minka Kelly ("Just Go With It") as Sara Matthews, who has just begun studying fashion design at college. Her roommate (see, that's where the imaginative title comes from) is Rebecca (Leighton Meester, "Going the Distance"), whom Sara has never met before.

The two become best buds, go shopping, visit museums and hang out in their dorm room -- y'know, whatever obscure things girls do for fun. However, Sara is a party girl, while Rebecca is more of an introvert. Well, that's going to leave Rebecca feeling left out, because the MPAA has warned us sensitive individuals that "The Roommate" contains "teen partying." Think of the children!

Things go a little awry when Sara gets to know Rebecca a little better -- she starts to suspect that her new roommate has an unhealthy obsession with her. Soon enough, jealous Rebecca begins to cause some havoc, inflicting violence and self-mutilation, under the deluded belief that she is bringing Sara closer to her. Yeah, that'll work.

"The Roommate" suffers massively from the simple fact that it is as boring as the late-night poker games that play on TV for insomniacs to watch. It seems to think that it's this psychological thriller that's all twisty-turny and gripping and stimulating, when it is actually the complete opposite. Moments of excitement are so teeny-tiny that one would need a microscope to find their scattered fragments.

Most of the film plays out like an episode of "Gossip Girl" (which is appropriate, what with Meester having a starring role in the American chick-show), making all other content impossible to take seriously. When Rebecca unexpectedly puts a cute little pussycat into a washing machine, one cannot help but laugh one's arse off.

It's not even campy enough to register as a so-bad-it's-good film -- the movie takes itself far too seriously, worsening the tedious lack of fireworks. On no level is this flick the least bit enjoyable as it shakily plods along, gluing random 30-second scenes together and calling itself a movie.

Our main character is devoid of any personality, putting aside the "she's a typical young adult" card for a second. Kelly can only do so much to breathe some life into the role, but it's utterly hopeless. For a film in which we're meant to care for the confused female lead, the script by first-time writer Sonny Mallhi doesn't seem to bother making her particularly likable. Her friggin' cat is more relatable.

Kelly's co-star is better, but only by a smidge. Meester obviously gets to toy around with a crazy lesbian psycho bitch of a character, and she hams it up in the last half hour. As an unstable girl who's forgotten to take her cuckoo pills, she can be occasionally menacing, but oddly laughable at the same time. Put crackers and corn into a blender and you'll get an idea of her characterisation.

There isn't really anything positive I can say about "The Roommate." It's frustratingly boring, inept in its attempts at stirring up hair-raising tension, doesn't have the slightest clue as to what entertainment is, and is ultimately a droll attempt at a suspense thriller. "The Roommate" needs kicking out.

1/10