Tuesday 1 March 2011

I Am Number Four

"I Am Number Four" just barely manages to be taken seriously as a story. With straight-faced talk of silly-named villainous aliens, jockish bullies marching their way down school corridors, and a badass gal unflinchingly walking away from a gigantic explosion in super-awesome slow-motion, this sci-fi actioner is difficult to not groan at.

It's another film for the teen crowd, edging toward the "Twilight" realm of fantasy mixed in with some brooding adolescent romance. Kids these days with their vampires, their werewolves and their hunky blonde extraterrestrials. I'm pretty sure Elliott never tried to cop a feel of E.T.

The Human Torch

Our main character is called John Smith (Alex Pettyfer, "Stormbreaker"), which is about as bland a name as his personality. This name is fake (again, like his personality). He is Number Four of nine gifted aliens from the planet Loreign, which was invaded by the evil Mogadorians years ago. Now hiding on Earth, John lives with Henri (Timothy Olyphant, "The Crazies"), a warrior assigned to keep him alive.

John, now 17 or 18, tries to live a normal life, with Henri claiming to be the boy's father. They've been going from town to town, trying to stay invisible in case there are Mogadorians lurking nearby. Killing the runaway aliens in numerical order (for an unexplained reason), the snarling ogres have just slaughtered Number Three (Greg Townley), and are after John next.

This is a Villain, Right?

Meanwhile, John seems to do everything in his power to hide in plain sight while developing his powers (alien puberty). He decides to attend school (yes, a teenager actually decides to go to school) against Henri's wishes, and becomes infatuated with what looks to be a page three model (Dianna Agron, "Glee"), befriends a UFO conspiracy theorist (Callan McAuliffe, "Flipped"), and is the new victim of a gang of chortling bullies.

Inevitably, the Mogadorians end up hot on John's trail, kicking in Henri's understandable paranoia (I like to call it common sense). Henri tries to take John away from his one true love and move to another location, but John wants to stay and be torn to shreds by rejected Star Trek villains.

Dramatic Turn

With a $50 million budget and Michael Bay on the production team, "I Am Number Four" is pure escapist blockbuster, exploding at the seams with eruptive action and hi-tech special effects. I apologise if I'm making this sound like a light ton of thrilling fun -- it sort of isn't.

All the ingredients for captivating, Friday night entertainment are there, yet the film falls short of its potential. Yes, there are fireballs skimming through the air, CGI monsters tearing a high school to pieces, and an admittedly stirring 20 minute climax of non-stop action, but the film remains flat and, at points, quite boring.

"Pfft, I eat explosions for breakfast."

Pettyfer has some decent turns in his performance here, but he can't do much with a script containing a character who's as interesting as a Monday morning physics lesson. He's playing a teenager who discovers he can do something extra-special with his hands; he can cause white explosions to spontaneously burst out from between his clenched fingers when he concentrates hard enough, sweat dripping down his temple. If only you could hear how much I'm sniggering right now.

Teen girls will no doubt be flocking to the local theatre to get a glimpse of Mr. Pettyfer's bare chest and attractive physique. The entire film feels like nothing more than this; it's just a weekend wallet-opener trying to appeal to adolescents who will connect with this film like a Coca Cola can to a high-powered magnet. The more cautionary of us will not be particularly magnetic to its marketing, and will hopefully vote against it in the MTV Movie Awards. Go, erm, "Twilight"!

BOOM, MOTHERFUCKER!

I understand that "I Am Number Four" is not an ambitious film (it exists only to rake in the cash), but it still feels slack and occasionally comatose. I felt similarly throughout. If you're making a blockbuster, Hollywood, remember to concentrate on holding the viewer's attention. "I Am Number Four"? I am really bored.

4/10

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