This Means War

As an action film, “This Means War” doesn’t provide the heart-racing thrills or the nerve-shredding suspense to make it worth the price of a ticket. As a romance, it doesn’t provide the heart-warming sweetness or the syrupy-tasting tenderness to make it worth the price of a ticket. And as a comedy, it doesn’t provide the rib-tickling gags or the side-splitting wit to make it worth the price of a ticket.

It seems there’s not a lot in “This Means War” to make it worth the price of a ticket, outside of the mouth-watering eye candy of Reese Witherspoon for the guys and Tom Hardy and Chris Pine for the ladies. But come on, people, let’s not be shallow: eye candy is simply not enough to hand over hard-earned cash for what is essentially a poor man’s “True Lies,” even when Tom Hardy is running and leaping about a paintball arena in a tight-fitting V-neck drenched in his own sweat. Well, not quite enough.

“This Means War” comes a whole year after the never-ending assortment of action-packed rom-coms Hollywood churned out in 2010, including “The Bounty Hunter,” “The Tourist,” “Killers” and “Knight and Day;” three of those films I very much disliked, the other was a bit of a guilty pleasure due to my undying fondness for Mr Tom Cruise. With its appealing cast and boundless energy, “This Means War” had all the potential to be a guilty pleasure just like “Knight and Day” was, but ultimately ends up providing all the guilt and none of the pleasure.

The film centres on a love triangle shared between two CIA agents and a perky blonde. The two CIA agents are womanising bachelor FDR Foster (Pine) and divorced father-of-one Tuck Henson (Hardy), and the perky blonde is product-testing executive Lauren Scott (Witherspoon). FDR and Tuck are best buds, do practically everything together and are highly skilled in their top-secret line of work. Lauren is a distance-staring singleton looking for the right guy but not finding him.

One day, Lauren’s best friend, Trish (Chelsea Handler, “Hop”), makes a profile for Lauren on a dating site without her knowledge. And voila, she gets a reply: it’s Tuck! Lauren meets him, has lunch with him and the two hit it off rather well. That same day, Lauren coincidentally bumps into FDR in a DVD rental store, where he almost instinctively begins to flirt with her. After annoying the crap out of her and stalking her at work, FDR eventually convinces her to go on a date with him, completely unaware that she is currently seeing Tuck. Lauren suddenly realises something: she’s dating two guys at the same time! Oh my!

FDR and Tuck also discover this to their shock horror, and decide to turn the tricky situation into something of a competition where the winner gets to keep Lauren. They set out some rules: no telling Lauren that they know each other, no interfering with each other’s dates and no hanky-panky with Lauren, even if she asks for it. Unsurprisingly, every single one of these rules is broken within a very short amount of time, resulting in their competitiveness becoming more and more intense. Oh, and there’s something about a badguy with weapons of mass destruction wanting revenge for the death of his brother, but whatever, that’s not important.

As the film goes on, FDR and Tuck both become increasingly ruthless and creepy in their gamesmanship. They bug Lauren’s house, survey her every move, shoot each other with tranquiliser darts and, in a scene calling to mind “Bridget Jones’s Diary,” throw each other around a restaurant. All of this is mildly amusing, sure, but it’s always saddled with the overwhelming problem that the story is completely preposterous and entirely unconvincing: I mean, why on earth would two supremely skilful CIA agents (who are already in trouble following a covert mission cock-up) risk losing their jobs by abusing their powers, wrongfully using millions of dollars-worth of high-tech gizmos just to spy on Reese Witherspoon (who’s certainly attractive but not exactly chin-droolingly irresistible) when they’re supposed to be hunting down an incredibly dangerous criminal mastermind gunning for revenge? I’d consider it all a social commentary on the stupidity of men, but I don’t believe the film’s director is the slightest bit capable of that amount of depth.

This director, by the way, is McG, the one-named former record producer and music video-maker who previously brought you “Charlie’s Angels,” “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” and “Terminator Salvation.” He directs “This Means War” with a self-impressed visual slickness, but struggles whenever it comes to doing anything that is not shooting action or shoving Apple products down the viewer’s throat; it’s remarkable the amount of times you hear that undeniable click of the unlocking of an iPhone throughout the film.

What keeps “This Means War” from completely sinking is its three leading actors, who share a pleasing chemistry and all seem to be having quite a bit of fun; I can’t say I can empathise. We have Chris Pine as a douchebag American James Bond who lives in an insanely expensive apartment with a glass ceiling that serves as the bottom of a swimming pool; international espionage pays well, it seems. We have Tom Hardy as a more sensitive, more British spy with a buzz cut, tattoo-covered muscles and a seven-year-old boy whom he takes to karate lessons. And we have Reese Witherspoon playing her usual perky self with a winning smile, sweet personality and an extra touch of sluttiness.

“This Means War” tries to please everybody and ends up pleasing nobody. It tries to please the men with the action, and the women with the romance and the comedy. Trouble is, it’s clumsy with all three genres and can’t quite decide what it is: is it an action flick with a bit of rom-com on the side or a rom-com with bursts of action sprinkled throughout? Unlike “True Lies,” it never really finds a balance, and the end result is a jumbled mess.

4/10