Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I'm rewarding "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" with a passing grade for this single simple fact: I had fun. You see, "Transformers 3" presented me with what I shall hesitantly label "a good time," which I shall attribute to the fact that I was sitting in a cinema watching two-and-a-half-hours of giant robots repeatedly hurling their mits at the glimmering metallic bodies of one another. Now, you may ask me, "But Stephen, you sexy beast, you were presented with the exact same thing in the second movie, "Revenge of the Fallen," and you very much disliked that movie, so why does this one get a passing grade?" Well, I'll tell you why (and thanks for the compliment); I've given this a passing grade because there's something about "Dark of the Moon" that renders it not quite as tedious or frustrating as the chaotic clutter that was 2009's "Revenge of the Fallen." And if that's not high praise, I don't know what is.

That's right, "Dark of the Moon" is a much better movie than its immediate predecessor, though admittedly this does not seem too complicated a task to accomplish. For one, its story is much more coherent, though I still struggled to comprehend it on occasion in this threequel. Two, the action also is given an extra push of coherency, i.e. we can actually tell what the holy bejesus is going on for the most part. And three, there are no racist robots or Transformer testicles dangling out in the open, swinging and clanging together for all to see; that image is forever scarred into my brain.

I'd also give the film points for getting rid of Megan "plank of wood" Fox, but sadly she has been replaced in favour of an even bigger, even more wooden plank of wood. This is Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, a very attractive Victoria’s Secret model from England who decided one day, "What the hey, I'll become an actress." And voila, here she is, stumbling through lines of dialogue like a child learning the alphabet while director Michael Bay points the camera at her like he's making an amateur porn video. Seriously, the opening shot of her (y'know, her big-screen debut) is of her newly-shaven bare legs and perfectly shaped buttocks as she elegantly ascends a set of stairs (in 3D, I might add). And after that, well, it's just cleavage shot after cleavage shot, Mr. Bay apparently forgetting that Huntington-Whiteley's boyfriend is kick-ass action hero Jason Statham, a man who can probably decapitate you with his pinky toe. Tut tut, Mr. Bay.

Anyway, she's playing Carly, the uber-sexy new squeeze of unlikely hero Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf, "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps"), the young adult who has just graduated from college and is struggling to find a job (apparently helping save the world twice doesn't pay very much afterwards). After several unsuccessful job interviews, he finally is accepted for a mailroom position, which causes him to once again become involved in the affairs of the heroic Autobots and evil Decepticons.

He learns from a wildly energetic co-worker (Ken Jeong, "The Hangover Part II") of a plot to assassinate everyone who knows of the real intentions of the Moon landing back in 1969. What were these intentions? Well, there was apparently a spacecraft that crash landed on the dark side of the Moon, and the American government wanted some samples from the thing. So, they sent Neil Armstrong and buddies up there, had them explore the place, and what they found was a big ol' seemingly dead robot known as Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy, aka Spock from "Star Trek") sitting in the craft.

In the present day, Optimus Prime (voiced once again by Peter Cullen), leader of the Autobots, learns of this mission, is a little upset that he was not told of it before, and goes up to the Moon with some fellow Autobots to bring Sentinel Prime down to Earth to revive his body. However, it soon comes to fruition that the Decepticons have the Autobots right in the palms of their clawed, oil-covered hands, and their plans to take over our world are being set in motion.

When you walk into a "Transformers" movie, you should be anticipating a spectacle, a dizzying extravaganza featuring all of the high-tech stuff that special effects departments have newly advanced and achieved. With "Dark of the Moon," this is precisely what we are given for most of the runtime, scenes of robot-bashing, oil-spilling violence picking up fast and occurring frequently to appease the needs of popcorn-munching mainstream moviegoers.

It's all very boyish, this coming with the territory of a franchise built on Hasbro action figures, and teenage boys in particular will most definitely be pleased with what they are handed, though just the sight of a giant robot would be enough for that I think. This is the kind of film that is practically the definition of a summer blockbuster, it showcasing all the brand spanking new SFX in a mega-budgeted brainless spectacle that is destined to make a boatload of cash at the big B.O.

And for the last hour of the film, the word "spectacle" could not be more appropriate. Yes, for a whole hour, we watch an epic, city-destructing battle between the Autobots and the Decepticons in the streets of Chicago, which is reduced to a gigantic pile of rubble after things go whiz, bang, crackle and pop in front of our very eyes. A scene in which Sam, Carly and a gang of soldiers slip and slide in a building that's been split in two and is slowly toppling over at the tentacles of the evil Shockwave (voice-over legend Frank Welker) is especially thrilling, and is in my opinion the best scene in the whole film.

It's all incredibly well-conducted by Bay, the action arranged with a sense of scope and clarity (aided by some nifty slow-motion), albeit with some mild confusion from myself as to which Transformer was which (in my defence, some of them do look a little similar). And the 3D is utilised perfectly for these massive set-pieces, never looking blurry or serving as a headache-inducing eyesore like the dutch tilts in Kenneth Branagh's "Thor," instead actually adding to the action.

But what about everything before this epic 60-minute long demonstration of Bay's talents for constructing an action extravaganza? Well, this is where all of the problems come from: the opening 90 minutes of the film. First off, there are plenty of action scenes sprinkled throughout the first hour-and-a-half of "Dark of the Moon" to stir you from a possible slumber or two. But, and I think this is to be expected by many, it's when the explosions stop and the public property damage ceases that "Dark of the Moon" begins to encounter some major problems, this mainly due to the magnificently stale script written by Ehren Kruger (who, for some reason, is still working after writing "Blood and Chocolate" and "The Brothers Grimm").

Interactions between human beings does not seem to be Kruger's strong suit, with the mostly obnoxious scenes involving earthlings serving only to slow the film down. The film also displays a stockpile of pointless characters who could be cut out from the film with absolutely no consequences to the plot whatsoever, from Sam's new boss (John Malkovich, "RED") to Sam's mother and father (Julie White and Kevin Dunn), who are all used as annoying comic relief. I'm not saying the human beings should be completely cut out from the film (the plot does involve humans being reduced to slaves, so a human element is necessary), but if they must be on-screen constantly they really do need to be well-written, which in this case they most certainly are not.

Nonetheless, the concluding action-packed hour of "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" almost entirely makes up for the severe boo-boos made by Kruger's bland script (and no, Mr. Bay, you cannot blame the writers' strike on this one). "Dark of the Moon" is a deeply flawed film, there is no doubt about that, but in spite of all its in-your-face problems, I had something resembling a blast while watching it, and I make no apologies in saying this. It's fun, it's mindless, the action is mesmerising, the special effects are breathtaking, the 3D is great, and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is a hilariously awful actress. Come on and get me, Statham! Do your worst...

6/10