Spy Kids: All the Time in the World

The last three non-violent, non-bloody and non-vulgar movies that Robert Rodriguez scribed and directed were “Shorts,” “The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl” and “Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over.” Now, armed with just this information and a viewing of the three films listed above, you should come to the conclusion that Mr. Rodriguez should be disallowed from planning or pondering making anymore movies that can be viewed by younglings, as movies for rug rats don’t seem to exactly be his area of expertise; I doubt he even knows what a child is, given the movies he makes for them.

On the other hand, you may point out that he also scribed and directed “Spy Kids” in 2001 and its sequel “Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams” in 2002. Both movies are generally agreed to be fun and amusing for children and adults alike, together working splendidly as satisfying slices of family-friendly entertainment. Sadly, the fourth instalment in the “Spy Kids” franchise is neither of these, instead aiding in the argument presented in the first paragraph; stop developing kiddie movies and stick to planning “Sin City 2,” please, Rob.

This agonising waste of time is entitled “All the Time in the World” and has dumped the franchise’s previous leads, Alexa Vega and Daryl Sabara (though they do appear as supporting characters). Instead, we now have the much less likable Rowan Blanchard and Mason Cook as our new Spy Kids, both of whom are about as memorable as what you had for lunch last Tuesday; I know they’re just children, but so were Juni and Carmen Cortez when we first met them.

Blanchard and Cook play Rebecca and Cecil, the stepson and stepdaughter of Marissa Wilson (a hilariously bland Jessica Alba, “Machete”), a butt-kicking secret agent for spy organisation the OSS. Marissa retires from the job after giving birth to a baby girl, keeping her past occupation a secret from her step kids and husband Wilbur (Joel McHale, “Community”), who is by sheer coincidence a TV spy-hunter (evidently not a very good one).

However, Marissa ends up having to get back into action when criminal masterminds The Timekeeper and Tick Tock start taking the world’s time away, causing time to speed up everywhere (oh dear god, no!). Why are they doing this? Because people are taking time for granted and are thus not spending enough time with their loved ones (holy moral message, Batman!) Rebecca and Cecil also find themselves in on the action when their home is invaded, and their stepmother’s true occupation is finally revealed.

And then they get all sorts of cool gadgets, and it turns out the family dog talks, and bad guys end up constantly falling over and tripping on small metal balls on the floor, and there’s a baby’s diaper used as a weapon and there’s flying machines and the baby farts and the dog farts and my head hurts, ow, my head, it hurts, please God, make it stop.

Yes, “Spy Kids 4” is every bit as excruciating as both “Spy Kids 3-D” and “Sharkboy and Lavagirl” ever managed to be, maybe even more so (apparently this is possible). We are shown here that Rodriguez has learned absolutely nothing from criticisms of his previous three children’s flicks, deciding to litter this mind-numbing film with 89 minutes of fart jokes, poo jokes, pratfalls and time puns. Holy moly, the time puns, they’re relentless.

“Time flies when you’re having fun!” says Tick Tock as he unleashes a horde of flies upon our protagonists. “Clean her clock,” Tick Tock orders his henchman. “The bigger the crime, the better the time!“ Tick Tock yells at Marissa. Even Marissa gets in one: “He’s really starting to tick me off,” she says as Tick Tock flies off to think up more puns. It’s like Mr. Freeze in “Batman and Robin” all over again.

As these lame, unfunny puns sledgehammer you over the head time after time, you’ll be bashing your face against your hands, your knees, the chair in front of you and the floor below you, miserably begging for the film to just end and set you free from your cruel, unjust suffering. And I’m not just talking about the adults, because even the children in the audience should know what an obnoxious, loathsome, patronising, cheap, witless and unimaginative piece of movie-making this really is; how on Earth it avoided going straight-to-DVD I do not know.

I’d give the film a mark for Ricky Gervais’ vocal performance as talking pooch Argonaut, the English comedian getting in a few somewhat clever lines (many were adlibbed, apparently). However, there’s also an equal amount of un-clever lines that spring out of the robo-dog’s furry little mouth, so I’m afraid it’s no points for “Spy Kids 4.” Better luck next *TIME*, Rodriguez.

0/10

End note: I’m afraid I can’t comment on the scratch-and-sniff, smell-o-vision 4-D gimmick attached to "Sky Kids 4," but I have heard from many, many others that it’s a complete and utter waste of time (yes, I’m using that pun a second time <-- !!!).