Apollo 18

You could say that the best way to describe “Apollo 18” is to say that it’s “The Blair Witch Project” meets “Alien.” Or you could possibly say that it’s “Paranormal Activity” meets “Moon.” Anyway, there are two reasons for this movie supposedly being the meeting place for these four movies. The first reason is that, like “The Blair Witch Project” and “Paranormal Activity,” it’s a found-footage film, i.e. it’s filmed by the characters within the film. The second reason is that, like “Alien” and “Moon,” its primary setting is in space, where no one can hear you scream, or indeed yawn.

The problem with these vague descriptions is that “Apollo 18” is not the kind of film that deserves to be the meeting place for these four movies. It’s a very poor film, and thus seems unworthy of being mentioned alongside these four very good movies. Also, the comparison of these four very good movies with “Apollo 18” serves only to further ridicule the film; it seems cruel and unjust. As such, I’d say a fairer “blank meets blank” would be “Diary of the Dead” meets “Jason X”; it does more to prepare/warn possible viewers.

The film, which is directed by Gonzalo Lopez-Gallego, is intended to be interpreted as actual, real-life footage that has for some reason been edited together for release in multiplexes everywhere, a typical gimmick of the gimmicky found-footage subgenre. Given that the film portrays a colossal and moon-shattering cover-up by the US government, I’m unsure as to how the footage has in fact landed in worldwide cinemas without the government’s interference. Usual government incompetence, I suppose.

“Apollo 18” revolves around, surprise surprise, a supposed Apollo 18 mission that went to the moon in December 1974. If you know your American history, you should know that the last Apollo mission to launch into space was number 17; this film claims that the cancelled 18 launch did in fact go off into space and was completely covered up. Yeah, right, and there are aliens on the moon too, huh?

The mission has a crew of three. These are Commander Nathan Walker (Lloyd Owen), Captain Benjamin Anderson (Warren Christie) and Lieutenant Colonel John Grey (Ryan Robbins). They are told not only to collect moon rocks, but also to plant detectors that will detect any ICBM attacks from the USSR.

The film is a horror, so inevitably things go horribly wrong on this mission. I won’t tell you exactly what causes things to go horribly wrong; I’ll let you discover this for yourself as you battle heavy eyelids and the desire to take a nap. What I will tell you is that it’s not particularly scary and, as you may have guessed from the previous sentence, more than a bit boring. It also takes so long to get to this point that by the time things start to properly rev up, you will have completely lost interest.

“Apollo 18” feels like it’s little more than a gimmick; I suspect that its pitch consisted entirely of someone yelling, “Hey, let‘s do “The Blair Witch Project” in space!” There is potential here; three astronauts finding themselves under attack while stuck on the surface of the moon could make for a fantastic claustrophobia horror in the vein of John Carpenter‘s “The Thing.” But here, with characters we don’t care about and a filming method that’s a little annoying, it simply doesn’t work.

Would it have worked better if not filmed through the found-footage method? I won’t put off the idea; it would have possibly reduced the sense of cheapness that overwhelms the film. Then again, it would take a heck of a lot more to improve this frankly dreadful movie than simply changing it to a “normal film.”

In the end, “Apollo 18” never rises above being slightly unnerving and vaguely interesting. It’s a tedious and frequently dull experience that will bore viewers to tears more than frighten them half to death. Still, I’m sure conspiracy theorists will get a kick out of it.

2/10