One for the Money

More of a bad script-picker than a bad actress, Katherine Heigl has certainly plummeted in public opinion since her shining performance alongside chuckling funnyman Seth Rogen in Judd Apatow’s phenomenal 2007 romantic comedy “Knocked Up.” In the five years following the film’s release, Heigl has taken on leading roles in such cinematic turds as “27 Dresses,” “The Ugly Truth,” “Killers,” “Life as We Know It” and “New Year’s Eve.” Her latest dud is “One for the Money,” which doesn’t provide a U-turn for Heigl’s career or the public’s perception of her so much as a long, one-way road to the dark and dingy abyss that is the Hollywood Z-list; say hi to Cuba Gooding, Jr. for me, will you, Katherine?

Based on the first in the bestselling “Stephanie Plum” series of novels by Janet Evanovich, “One for the Money” is sort of a comedy, sort of a romance, sort of a mystery and sort of an action flick. Well, I say action, but the film contains only one explosion, just a few sparse gunshots and a couple of improper uses of a pair of handcuffs. The film is directed by Julie Anne Robinson, who made her filmmaking debut in 2010 with Miley Cyrus romance “The Last Song,” an adaptation of Nicholas Spark’s novel of the same name; shockingly, this is actually a step down in Robinson’s career, and makes “The Last Song” look like “The Notebook.”

Starring as spunky heroine Stephanie Plum is Miss Heigl, who is now sporting brown curls instead of her trademark blonde locks, as well as a slightly dodgy Jersey accent which I assume she picked up after watching MTV for a bit too long. A resident of the city of Newark, New Jersey, Miss Plum is short on money and high in debt after being fired from a Macy’s store six months ago for a reason that goes entirely unexplained. Out of sheer desperation, she goes to visit Vinnie’s Bail Bonds, owned by her cousin Vinnie (I assume that’s a joke), to ask for work.

And voila, she’s suddenly a bounty hunter in hot pursuit of Joe Morelli (Jason O’Mara, “Resident Evil: Extinction”), an ex-cop, wanted murderer and coincidentally an old flame of Stephanie. Meanwhile, Stephanie is being trained by a fellow bounty hunter, the very hunky Ranger (Daniel Sunjata, “Gone”), who shows off his skills on the job by shooting a paper silhouette square in the head again and again during target practice; it’s a pity the paper silhouette wasn’t Katherine Heigl (I jest, I jest).

There are many things wrong with “One for the Money,” and I honestly don’t think Heigl is one of them; perhaps she was miscast for the character (she may have cast herself, as she is the film’s executive producer), but she does fine with what she’s given and seems to be having fun, unlike us. What is wrong with the film, for starters, is the highly obnoxious jazzy soundtrack that lingers in the background of every scene, informing us of how funny (a rarity), sexy (an occasion) or thrilling (a non-entity) any given situation is. There’s also the problem that the supposedly intriguing investigation at the centre of the film appears to have stumbled out of a second-rate episode of “Monk,” resulting in the film feeling wholly uncinematic and dreadfully boring.

Even worse is the way this investigation is handled by the script, written by Stacy Sherman, Karen Ray and Liz Brixius, all first-time screenwriters (I knew that even before I googled them). While their script isn’t entirely witless (I suspect many of the zingy one-liners originated from the book), it is thoroughly incompetent in the development and general structure of a plot, is entirely vacant of any sense of character (Jersey stereotypes aside), and is so clumsy at developing the central investigation that its progression is rendered an incoherent, incomprehensible and impenetrable muddle of colourful characters and confusing motivations.

Tonally, it’s all over the shop, Robinson unable to decide whether she’s making a breezy rom-com or an action-packed mystery thriller. The result is a film that goes from lighthearted, aggressively unfunny comedy to passionless, groan-worthy romance, and on occasion to sloppily directed, snooze-inducing action that is completely out of place with everything else in the film. It’s basically “The Bounty Hunter” without the cinematic feel or the star power of Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler to keep its head above water; as a result, it drowns, and drowns slowly.

“One for the Money” has all the elements of a made-for-TV production (cheesy opening titles included), except for the inexplicable fact that it has been released in a multiplex near you. It is cheap, drab and utterly tedious, cruising along on an uninteresting plot that has been handled with the care and attention of a monkey at a typewriter; actually, make that three monkeys. With another 17 bestselling novels in the series so far, I wouldn’t be surprised if Lionsgate is prepping for a “Stephanie Plum” blockbuster franchise; I can assure them that as long as I still have a breath inside my lungs and blood running through my veins that is not going to happen.

2/10