Rock of Ages

In his joyously vibrant comedy musical “Hairspray,” backing dancer-turned-Hollywood-movie-maker Adam Shankman transported us to 1962 Maryland, where racial segregation sadly ran rampant. In “Rock of Ages,” Shankman transports us to 1987 Los Angeles, where many things run rampant, not least of all the devil’s music - or rock and roll, to be less damning. Like his 2007 mega-hit, Shankman’s latest is a musical and sees its inspiration in the form of a critical darling of a broadway production. Unlike in “Hairspray,” the transition from stage to screen in “Rock of Ages" is not successful, or at least not nearly to the same extent that it was in “Hairspray,” in which the transition was almost seamless. Side note: “Hairspray” would be an appropriate title for “Rock of Ages,” in which the hairdo-sustaining liquid in a can is part of the air the characters breathe.

Slap-bang in the centre of the City of Angels stands a nightclub named “The Bourbon Room.” Frequented by long-haired headbangers and protested by outraged Christians, the Bourbon Room specialises in showcasing heavy metal and glam rock, and is owned by Dennis Dupree (Alec Baldwin, “30 Rock”), who shares a touching bromance with his right-hand man, the appropriately named manager Lonny Barnett (Russell Brand, “Arthur”). The club is about to host a hotly anticipated, revenue-boosting gig by a world-famous rock star, but we’ll get to him later.

Our heroine is Sherrie Christian (Julianne Hough, “Footloose"), a curly-haired blondie and small-town girl (livin’ in a looonely wooorld) from Oklahoma. We meet young Sherrie as she travels to L.A. on a bus, in which she spontaneously belts out the lyrics to Night Rider’s 'Sister Christian’ - her fellow passengers join in, as does the driver, which I’m sure violates one or two safety rules. Sherrie dreams of being a singer, but first she must start at the bottom: after being mugged on the street, aspiring rock star and lowly busboy Drew Boley (Diego Boneta, “90210”) helps her get a job as a waitress at the Bourbon Room. Romance blossoms between the pair.

Now, onto that world-famous rock star. Stacee Jaxx, the lead singer of fictional rock band Arsenal, is played by Tom Cruise; it’s the A-lister’s most gleefully outrageous performance since playing hairy-handed movie mogul Les Grossman in “Tropic Thunder.” Sporting a navy blue bandana that keeps his untamed mane at bay, Stacee is an unashamed rock god whose tattoo-splattered torso never goes unexposed and who is forever doped up on a substance we never see him consume. He wears a bejeweled codpiece, sleeps with his nose clenched between busty pairs of groupie boobies, owns a trouble-making pet monkey named Hey-man, and frequently spouts faux-philosophical nonsense: apparently, Stacee will set The Bourbon Room on fire, literally, to please the “fire phoenix.”

It turns out Cruise is a talented frontman too: he struts about the grubby main stage of The Bourbon Room with an irresistible no-nonsense, rock star gusto, flaunting the fashion sense of Iggy Pop (sweat-smothered chest and all) and belting out power ballads with the screech of Axl Rose. And “Rock of Ages” is at its entertaining best when its diverse and wonderful cast is rocking out to the spine-tingling guitar strums and ear-splintering drum-thumping of beloved rock anthems by Bon Jovi, Whitesnake and REO Speedwagon. A highlight (for both the right and wrong reasons) sees Catherine Zeta-Jones (playing the music-loathing wife of Bryan Cranston’s music-loathing L.A. mayor) thrashing about the aisle of a chapel to the tune of Pat Benatar’s ‘Hit Me With Your Best Shot,’ intercut with a googly-eyed Cranston being spanked by his mistress over his office desk. This is quite the sight.

But alas, “Rock of Ages” suffers from the “Mamma Mia” effect, i.e. it far too often feels like we’re sitting in a smoky bar, watching a bunch of drunken mega-stars taking turns at helming the microphone during karaoke night, the theme being the super sounds of the ‘80s. This isn’t helped by the sheer relentlessness of the admittedly stirring soundtrack, with musical numbers coming thick and fast, and exasperatingly so: a Journey track is followed up by a Poison track, which is quickly followed by a Scorpions track, which is then immediately followed by a Starships track, with barely any room to breathe between the numbers. And it all culminates in an epic medley of Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believin’,’ which I don’t think many would hesitate in saying we’re all a little sick of by now - damn you, “Glee,” and all that slavishly followed you.

Worse still, the film’s central romance, shared between Sherrie and Drew, is lousy and unconvincing, even if they do scream the lyrics to ‘I’ve Been Waiting for a Girl Like You’ into each other’s faces behind the Hollywood sign. Their performers, up-and-comers Julianne Christian and Diego Boneta, do show a talent in both the singing and acting departments, but there’s a problem with their characters: together they lack a spark and individually they aren’t particularly interesting. So, when Sherrie is forced to work in a strip club (where men pinch her bum - the horror!) and Drew is forced to join a cheesy boyband (think the early - and modern - days of New Kids on the Block), the heart-wrenching drama intended by Shankman and his writers flops like a headbanger’s mullet.

The poster for “Rock of Ages” states that the film is “nothin’ but a good time.” I won’t object to this too much: “Rock of Ages” is never boring, and does serve as adequate, campy entertainment - watching Tom Cruise and Malin Akerman having sex atop a pool table while both sing ‘I Want to Know What Love Is’ could be nothing else. But rarely does it click like Baz Luhrmann’s “Moulin Rouge!” did so gloriously in 2001 and, clocking in at just over two hours, it goes on (and on, and on, and oonnn...) for far too long - methinks some of those relentless musical numbers could have hit the cutting room floor. Still, I’m sure the broadway production rocks.

5/10