Ted

I doubt we will see a funnier character on the big screen this year than Ted, the eponymous secondary protagonist of “Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane’s feature-length debut. This is at first surprising for the same reason it becomes so obvious: Ted is a stuffed teddy bear, the kind you can make at a Build-A-Bear workshop and give to a five-year-old as as birthday present. But Ted is no ordinary teddy bear, for he can walk and talk and sing and smoke pot and engage in casual sex with Grammy award-winning singer-songwriters. That last one is very true, in spite of Ted’s visible lack of genitalia. “I’ve written a lot of complaints to Hasbro about that,” he gripes. I’m sure Hasbro would receive many more complaints if the case were otherwise.

Ted is voiced and motion-captured by MacFarlane, who provides him with a thick-as-blood Bostonian accent that instantly calls to mind Peter Griffin, another MacFarlane-voiced animated character. He is, as far as I could tell, a wholly computer-generated creation, and he interacts well with the film’s live-action setting, much more so than Scooby-Doo ever did in his live-action adventures. In a deceptively treacly opening sequence narrated by (who else?) Patrick Stewart, we witness the magical origins of Ted. In the suburbs of Boston on Christmas Day in 1985, a crushingly unpopular eight-year-old boy named John Bennett (Bretton Manley) receives a teddy bear from his loving parents. This bear is inanimate and is given the name Ted.

That night, while snuggled under the covers with Ted, John wishes upon a star for his teddy bear to come to life so that he can finally have a real friend to play with. His wish is granted, and John wakes the next morning to find his teddy bear walking around and talking to him. John’s initial reaction is fear, then acceptance, then love. An irregular bromance is born. John is very open about the existence of Ted, who, as a sentient plaything, is soon enjoying worldwide fame, flaunted on magazine covers and interviewed by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show - how this scene was achieved I don’t know, but the effect is seamless and the best of its kind since Forrest Gump was interviewed by Dick Cavett alongside John Lennon.

What goes up must come down. Ted’s fame soon dwindles, and by 2012 he’s a worthless slacker spending his days sitting on the couch, sucking on a bong while rewatching “Flash Gordon” for the umpteenth time - that is, when he’s not hiring prostitutes, who he dares to defecate on John’s living room floor. Yes, Ted still lives with John (now played by Mark Wahlberg, “Contraband”), who as an adult is good-natured but seems to have become permanently trapped in the world of adolescence. At 35 years old, John works a dead-end job as a clerk at a rental car company where he shows up late and high on pot. Ted and John are still the best of friends (or “thunder buddies”) and share the exact same level of ambition in life, i.e. none whatsoever.

This is much to the increasing annoyance of Lori (Mila Kunis, “Friends with Benefits”), John’s beloved girlfriend of four years, if you could believe such a thing. After some encouragement by her office co-workers, Lori delivers John an ultimatum: either it’s her or his teddy bear. John is split. In a lesser actress’ hands, Lori may have come across as whiny and naggy, but Kunis allows us to empathise with her. Through her eyes, we see that John is indeed immature and that he and Ted need to loosen their grip on each other. However, that does not render their shenanigans together any less funny.

John reluctantly decides to let Ted go and stay with Lori. Ted gets a job as a cashier at a local supermarket. He instantly starts up a relationship with fellow cashier Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth), an obnoxious dimwit who wouldn’t seem out of place in an episode of “Jersey Shore.” Ted gets his own apartment, where of course he hosts wild parties whenever he’s bored, and whenever he’s not bored. John finds himself unable to stay away from Ted, skipping work to watch DVD boxsets with him and even sneaking out of a fancy party at Lori’s boss’ house to check out one of Ted’s parties. Lori is not amused. Meanwhile, a crazy fan (Giovanni Ribisi, a dab hand at playing unhinged creeps) plots to steal Ted for his chubby brute of a son, whose true identity is... scandalous.

There are two scenes in “Ted” that are so funny they very nearly brought tears to my eyes. The first takes place at one of Ted’s little get-togethers, which, with a little help from cocaine, escalates from jovial karaoke singing into mindless violence, ending with an attack by an Asian neighbour wielding a blade in one hand and a duck in the other. The second sees that inevitable moment when Ted and John finally fall out with each other and, after a few hurtful words too many, engage in a fistfight in a hotel room. The laughs in this scene don’t necessarily come from the sight of a grown man brawling with a two-and-a-half-foot teddy bear, but from the extent to which that grown man is harmed during this fight. Who knew that a teddy bear could be so aggressive?

The humour of “Ted” could be described as vulgar and juvenile, which it is. It could also be described as inventive and gut-busting, which it also is. Its script is written by MacFarlane, along with “Family Guy” regulars Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wild. Like in “Family Guy,” much of the comedy stems from jabs at pop culture figures, which can largely be a hit and miss affair. A recurring gag centred on one character’s obsession with has-been actor Tom Skerritt fell flat with my audience (presumably because few know who Skerritt is outside of the States), while another recurring gag centred on John and Ted’s childhood hero worked like a charm (presumably because the existence of said childhood hero is clearly explained early in the film).

What always works, however, is the character of Ted. On the surface, Ted is a one-joke character whose comedy value should run dry once the initial pay-off of a teddy bear smoking a bong and swearing like a sailor is over. And yet Ted supplies laugh after laugh throughout the whole of the film’s 90-minute length, because MacFarlane doesn’t lazily stop at providing Ted with R-rated material: it is revealed that within Ted’s cotton stuffing lies a heart and a conscience, with which Ted ceases to be a one-joke character and is transformed into a fully fleshed out individual. He is convincing as a character and in his environment, so much so that there are points in the film where one forgets that Ted is a walking, talking teddy bear. I think that’s quite a feat.

In buddy cop comedy “The Other Guys,” Wahlberg displayed a knack for comic delivery while having to hold his own against Will Ferrel, a natural at the art. In “Ted,” he must hold his own against a potty-mouthed teddy bear, which I think might be a more difficult task. But he succeeds, and their characters share an oddly compelling relationship built on dependence and a desperation to remain young. Their journey throughout the film is quite touching, and delivers a heartwarming message about friendship and growing up. I didn’t think I’d ever say that about a Seth MacFarlane project, but there you go.

I’m curious to see where MacFarlane’s directing career will go from here. “Ted” is similar in tone to his animated television shows, and I wonder if his second feature will be the same. If so, I’m sure it will provide many laughs. If not, it would be nice seeing MacFarlane stepping outside of his comfort zone. Either way, I hope it’s as successful as “Ted," a side-splitting raunch-fest that should please fans of MacFarlane’s previous work and possibly a good number of non-fans too: this is funny stuff, and a promising directorial debut from a man of many talents. Oh, I feel I should issue a warning: no matter how much your kids beg and plead for you to take them to see the new teddy bear movie, for god's sake don’t buy them a ticket unless you’re willing to have their innocence snatched away in an instant. I warned you.

8/10