This could be the central gag of “The Watch,” that a global attack from outer-space beings is seen by our protagonists as little more than a minor inconvenience and a source of amusement. A similar gag was at the centre of Edgar Wright’s horror-comedy “Shaun of the Dead,” in which two British slackers and their trio of mates have a rather nonchalant reaction to a zombie apocalypse. But no: “The Watch” attempts to cook up an air of mystery with its plot and then strives for suspense in its action-packed climax, doing so with not a shred of success - the timer may be ticking, but our pulses pound at a steady pace, all the while our funny bones are left thoroughly untickled.
“The Watch” sees its setting in the sleepy suburbs of Glenview, a small Ohio town described by our narrator as “the greatest town in the greatest country in the greatest planet in the whole universe.” This patriotic suburbanite is obsessive do-gooder Evan Trautwig (Ben Stiller, “Tower Heist”), deputy secretary of the city council and proud founder of the Glenview Running Club and the Spanish Table at the community centre. Evan is also senior manager at the local Costco store, the name and products of which are flaunted to such a vast degree that the film effectively exists as a 102-minute advert for the international supermarket chain. Magnum condoms get quite the plug, I must say.
Tragedy strikes: the store’s overnight security guard, whom the script makes crystal clear is a Mexican immigrant, is murdered by an unseen intruder. His body is found the next morning in the back room, stripped of its skin and covered in green slime. Investigating police have no leads and - bizarrely - seem disinterested in the case. Distraught and seeking justice, Evan forms a neighbourhood watch, managing to recruit three spirited members of the community: loudmouth construction worker Bob (Vince Vaughn, “The Dilemma”), emotionally disturbed police force reject Franklin (Jonah Hill, “21 Jump Street”) and English divorcee Jamarcus (Richard Ayoade, “The IT Crowd”).
Evan’s idea is that the Watch, as they call themselves, patrol the streets of Glenview at night and keep an eye out for any suspicious activity. His fellow Watchers have other ideas: drinking shots and playing pool in Bob’s bar/basement, for example. Soon enough, they stumble upon evidence that an otherworldly presence is in town: while driving, they hit a mysterious creature that promptly skitters off, and find a metallic, spherical object - about the size of a basketball - out of which blasts a deadly beam of light. The gang of course fool around with the device with reckless abandon, in the process blowing up a wooden barn and a farm animal quietly grazing in a field. That poor, innocent cow.
It becomes increasingly clear that an alien invasion is afoot. It also becomes clear that the aliens are already among us, posing as everyday people, like you and I. The logic behind this is flawed: the aliens are said to be stripping the skin of their victims for use as a human wetsuit, apparently an impeccable disguise. But in their true forms, all slimy and reptilian, the menacing monsters stand at least 7 ft tall, flaunt a whole mouthful of jagged fangs, and speak in voices that are inhumanly gravelly. The seamlessness of their transformation is never explained - surely a body of skin wouldn’t cover up such striking features. Did I miss something? Or am I overthinking this?
Anyway. “The Watch" is probably most comparable to “The ’Burbs,” Joe Dante’s 1989 tale of an everyday suburbanite who becomes obsessed with the peculiar goings-on of his new next-door neighbours. The morbid curiosity so convincingly performed by Tom Hanks in Dante’s black comedy never registers in “The Watch” as our leading quartet of peace-keeping Average Joes perilously investigate the alien threat. Without it, the film and its characters appear to be stuck on autopilot, a fate certainly not improved upon by the lifeless direction of “Hot Rod"'s Akiva Schaffer (one third of SNL songsters The Lonely Island, all of whom are rewarded with an inevitable cameo).
Rogen and Goldberg’s script, co-authored by Jared Stern (“Mr Popper’s Penguins”), consists almost entirely of four-letter words, the kind George Carlin proclaimed could never be said on TV. The R-rated dialogue, much of which sounds ad-libbed, benefits largely from the comic talents of our leading men, who perhaps ad-lib too much: many scenes featuring what appears to be the cast riffing off one another, and having an absolute ball by the looks of it, outstay their welcome by quite a stretch.
It doesn’t help matters much that Stiller and co are hopelessly typecast in their roles. Stiller is the dull and uptight straight man; Vaughn is fast-talking and obnoxious; Hill is slightly manic, bordering upon sociopathic. Much like the film, they bring nothing new to the table. But it is Ayoade, the foreign outsider in a group of well-established American funnymen, who proves the shining star of “The Watch.” Channeling the mega-nerdy persona of his character Moss from C4 sitcom “The IT Crowd,” the bespectacled, funky-haired Englishman is a joy to watch in a mostly joyless venture, and a quirky breath of fresh air in a group that is three-quarters too familiar. One trusts that Hollywood bosses take notice and cast Ayoade in a project worthier of his talents.
With the endearingly indecent “Superbad,” Rogen and Goldberg created the “Animal House” of the noughties. Now with “The Watch,” they attempt to create the modern-day “Ghostbusters,” doing so with such little inspiration. There are some laughs to be had - in spite of myself, I chuckled at a running gag concerning the textural similarities between the aliens’ blood and human semen - but far too often the script confuses wanton profanity and vulgarity for genuine wit. It is impressive, though, that talk of anal probes is kept to a minimum. Gold star for that, guys.
4/10
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