The Top 25 Worst Films of 2012

Yes, I’ve boosted up my Worst of the Year list from a meagre 10 entries to a ginormous 25 for 2012: you see, there was an awful lot of festering filth that stank up a theatre near you in the past twelve months, and I couldn’t just let them slip by without giving them their just deserts on this here list (that’ll show ’em!). Enjoy, and avoid the following turkeys if you can.

25. "Taken 2"

The imaginatively titled, wallet-snatching follow-up to the enormously successful 2008 B-movie “Taken,” Olivier Megaton's “Taken 2” is a revenge thriller so lousy it didn’t even have the decency to provide audiences with a satisfying bloodbath: in the UK, it was slapped with a measly 12A rating, the result being an incoherently edited, bloodless mess. Liam Neeson, reinvented as a Rambo-lite action jackson in the first film, wields a look of supreme boredom throughout, even when he and his wife are kidnapped by Albanian gangsters and as his teenage daughter is lobbing live grenades around Istanbul in an unorthodox method of locating mum and dad. In “Taken 3,” I predict the gerbil will be kidnapped.

24. "Battleship"

Well, the first problem was basing a movie on a board game. The second problem was turning the board game Battleship into a mega-budgeted “Transformers” clone and casting in the lead role the up-and-coming charisma vacuum that is Taylor Kitsch. But come to think of it, Peter Berg’s action-soaked summer blockbuster might have actually been worth all the time and money spent on it, if only for a gut-busting sequence in which the main characters decide to play a gigantic version of said board game, blindly firing torpedoes from a navy vessel at number-letter coordinates in the hopes of hitting an invisible alien ship, and, just like in the game, shouting “hit!" every time they hit and “miss!" every time they miss. Actually, it wasn’t: this was really dumb.

23. "Red Tails"

This wartime drama admirably telling the real-life tale of the Tuskegee Airmen - African American fighter pilots who overcame racism in WWII - was no doubt greenlit with only the best of intentions, but executive producer and all-round elephant in the room George Lucas couldn’t help but dirty the production with his fat, grubby paw prints: in full force is the same toe-curling dialogue, cardboard box acting and CGI-drenched shenanigans that infamously plagued his rightly derided “Star Wars” prequels, only this time what they’re spoiling is not a silly, fantastical space opera but an inspiring event of great historical and human importance. Still, “Red Tails" did provide fallen star Cuba Gooding, Jr. with his juciest role in damn near a decade, playing a major whose sole purpose in life is chewing on a noticeably unlit pipe.

22. "The Watch"

Skin-crawling improvisation runs amok along with skin-stealing extraterrestrials in this sci-fi buddy comedy about a neighbourhood watch squad facing off against alien invaders in the sleepy suburbs. While Brit comic Richard Ayoade of C4’s “The IT Crowd” amuses as a kooky, bespectacled English dweeb, Hollywood funnymen Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill (uptight, loud and insane, respectively) operate on autopilot. With proper care and attention, “The Watch” could have been the 21st century “Ghosbusters,” but Akiva Schaffer’s direction is almost completely inept and “Suberbad” helmers Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg’s script cherishes vulgarity over wit.

21. "This Means War"

After cruelly defiling a beloved science-fiction series with the rigid “Terminator Salvation,” one-name Hollywood hack McG stepped back into more familiar territory with “This Means War,” a blockbusting, soul-draining spy romp boasting the same goofy, lighthearted tone of his “Charlie’s Angels" films. A comedy, a romance and an action film all rolled up into one big super-marketable ball, it instantly bounces its way into a big, burning rubbish heap whenever any of the three genres are activated, in spite of the best, embarrassed-looking efforts of likable leads Tom Hardy, Chris Pine and Reese Witherspoon.

20. "The Sweeney"

Far too focused on nicking the steely cool visual and aural aesthetic of Michael Mann’s “Heat” and Christopher Nolan’s “The Dark Knight,” Nick Love’s mega-gritty, super-stupid big-screen update of iconic ‘70s TV drama “The Sweeney” resembles next to nothing of its fondly remembered namesake (although oft-quoted catchphrases “You’re nicked” and “You slag” are milked for all they’re worth). A well-cast Ray Winstone is expectedly excellent as growling grizzly bear Regan while Ben “Plan B” Drew’s streetsmart Carter may as well be a plank of wood with a gormless frown painted on it.

19. "That’s My Boy"

Pedophilia, statutory rape and incest between siblings make for the comedy highlights of “That’s My Boy," an especially juvenile effort from Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison Productions. Yet another Sandler star vehicle, it finds the decreasingly credible American goofball playing a silly-voiced, down-in-the-dumps, ex-celebrity man-child attempting to reconnect with his estranged, wealthy son (The Lonely Island’s Andy Samberg, wasted in a straight-man role). It may not be as insulting to its target audience as Sandler’s previous outing, the utterly contemptible “Jack and Jill," but what is?

18. "Storage 24"

“Super 8” crosses paths with “Attack the Block" and has a few too many run-ins with “Alien" in one-location creature feature “Storage 24," a film so attuned to the art of pickpocketing it’d make the Artful Dodger proud. When a military aircraft mysteriously crash lands in the heart of London, a bloodthirsty extraterrestrial is unleashed upon a gaggle of clueless nitwits - among them Noel Clarke - trapped inside a storage facility. This sci-fi Brit-flick is a joyless dud, and the slimy, computer-generated features of the villainous monster - which looks like BrundleFly’s ugly cousin - are fully revealed far too early.

17. "Resident Evil: Retribution"

Five movies in, and the “Resident Evil" franchise is still as head-thumping as ever. The inexplicably titled “Retribution" takes the action/sci-fi/horror series back to its geographically confined roots, as leather-clad action heroine Alice is trapped inside a top secret underwater facility and hunted down by villainous holographic toddler the Red Queen. Milla Jovovich laudably kicks ass in the lead role while hubbie/director Paul W. S. Anderson remains fiercely determined to recreate the experience not of playing a “Resident Evil" video game but of watching someone else play a “Resident Evil" video game. Hand us the controls, Paul.

16. "Playing For Keeps"

Tonally bamboozled, sports-centred rom-com “Playing for Keeps,” previously titled “Playing the Field,” finds “300” star Gerard Butler playing a fallen football pro who becomes the coach of the local team in order to connect with his son and, through “hilarious” mix-ups, winds up scoring with half of the players’ mothers. I know what I’d rather see Butler doing: screaming at Persian warriors and booting them into bottomless pits. Sadly, there’s none of that in a film that’s sort of a raunchy sex farce and sort of a heartwarming family film both at the same time. Altogether now: This. Is. PUTRID!

15. "What to Expect When You’re Expecting"

Cramps and nausea are among the many dangers of bloated, star-studded pregnancy rom-com “What to Expect When You’re Expecting," and there’s no beautiful miracle afterwards to compensate. This ironically sterile chick flick, which boasts the star power of Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Elizabeth Banks, Anna Kendrick and Brooklyn Decker, follows nine months in the lives of five mums-to-be related only through their frequent vomiting, achey back pains, ballooning breasts and expanding tummy regions. Guess what happens at the end.

14. "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance"

Not even the anarchic verve sporadically brought forth by “Crank”/“Crank 2” helmers Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor could rescue this half-hearted “Ghost Rider” semi-sequel from the fiery pits of Hell. While a googley-eyed Nicolas Cage is amusingly unhinged as the hotheaded anti-hero, this comic book actioner is plagued with a boring, middle-of-nowhere backdrop, a stale storyline and a schizophrenic tone that aimlessly veers from solemn to wacky.

13. "Alex Cross"

“Don’t ever cross Alex Cross,” warned the posters for Rob Cohen’s bum-brained detective thriller. A more useful warning: “Don’t ever watch Alex Cross." In this franchise reboot of author James Patterson’s Washington-based crime-stopper, cross-dressing comic Tyler Perry, otherwise known as sassy suburban grandma Madea, boldly replaced the unimprovable Morgan Freeman and proved himself to be much more comfortable in a flower-patterned granny gown. Meanwhile, “Lost" veteran Matthew Fox reportedly shed 44 lbs to play skeletal super-villain Picasso, a professional hitman and part-time mixed-martial artist who, in his own words, is “fascinated by pain.” Try watching this.

12. "Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie"

Say bad things about this aggressively offbeat, agonisingly moronic surrealist comedy from the internet’s Funny or Die company and its discouragingly sizable cult of toe-sucking fanatics will furiously proclaim that you simply “don’t get it." Trouble is, there’s nothing to get in the hopelessly amateurish “Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie," which somehow managed to attract - and waste - the talents of supporting stars Will Ferrell, Zach Galifianakis, John C. Reilly and Jeff Goldblum. Mindless self-indulgence has never been so migraine-inducing.

11. "The Man with the Iron Fists"

Ultraviolent kung fu/western/fantasy flick in which... well, truth be told, I couldn’t tell what was going on, and frankly, I didn’t care. “Presented by” Quentin Tarantino (never a good sign), “The Man with the Iron Fists" is an incomprehensibly plotted, CGI-soaked muddle that sort of serves as a loving throwback to the old-school martial arts movies of the 1970s. It could have been an entertaining exercise in style if debut filmmaker Rza’s direction wasn’t so by-the-numbers, and, with both a deathly solemn tone and cheesy special effects, it’s nigh impossible to tell whether or not the film wishes for its audience to take it seriously. I know I didn’t.

10. "A Fantastic Fear of Everything"

Bonkers, sub-Hitchcockian murder mystery farce in which an irrationally fearful crime novelist, played by a commendably committed Simon Pegg, creeps about his London flat in manky underpants, wielding a kitchen knife, jumping at every creak and accidentally incinerating his stenchy socks in the oven. A largely uneventful 30-minute trip to the launderette is exasperating, as is a stop-motion sequence centred on a pair of hedgehogs.

9. "Underworld: Awakening"

The reliably cheerless “Underworld" franchise reached a drab new low in this spectacularly unmemorable 3D fourquel, which - coming after the pointless prequel - picked up the story of vampire warrior Selene. She wakes from cryogenic suspension to find herself in a future world where the villainous Lycans/werewolves are extinct - except (gasp) they might not be! The soundtrack may be incessantly noisy, everything not bolted down may be hurled at the screen and leading lady Kate Beckinsale may kick sufficient werewolf arse, but viewers whose eyelids aren’t stapled to their foreheads are at serious risk of falling into a deep and peaceful slumber.

8. "Project X"

A shameless, laughless rip-off of the side-splitting “Superbad," “Project X" has none of the comedy value or surprising emotional resonance of the 2007 smash-hit - supporting star Oliver Cooper tirelessly mimics the raunchily charming Jonah Hill and just comes off as insipid and nasty. A found-footage party-hard teen movie, director Nima Nourizadeh’s dreadful debut often resembles an over-produced music video, with several sequences serving as high-octane montages of drunken adolescents swigging, dancing, chanting and fucking. The ending’s wholly unironic message - that mass popularity is life’s most important goal - is deplorable.

7. "Silent Hill: Revelation"

“Come to Silent Hill," invites bloody text smeared across a living room wall in this 3D sequel to Christopher Gans’ baffling 2006 video game adaptation. I’d really rather not, to be perfectly honest; I’ve been there before, and all I got was a lousy B-film. But this festering follow-up, centred on the now-teenaged girl from the first film, is even lousier. For one, the titular ghost town isn’t as silent as its name suggests this time round: echoing through its empty streets and abandoned buildings is a deafening drone that’s not the famous air raid siren, nor the wails of a murderous monster - rather, it is the thunderous snoring of slumbering audience members.

6. "One for the Money"

Katherine Heigl’s once-shining career (remember “Knocked Up"?) tumbled even further into the trash can with “One for the Money," a semi-comedic, totally rubbish detective story that reeks of made-for-TV. Based on the first of Janet Evanovich’s popular Stephanie Plum novels, it sees Heigl playing a New Jersey bounty hunter whose first mission is tracking down her hunky high school sweetheart, wanted for a murder he may or may not have committed. The lighthearted, screwball tone jars with the story’s darker elements, and the film never recovers from the fact that the central mystery is cripplingly dull.

5. "Top Cat: The Movie"

A deathly pale, Mexican-produced imitation of the Hanna-Barbera animated kids’ show, “Top Cat: The Movie" is a bargain-bin cartoon catastrophe that somehow managed to crawl its way onto the silver screen in the UK (in 3D, no less). This ceaselessly charmless, woefully witless cinematic copycat is so hollow at its core and dead in the eyes that even easily pleased littluns will grow weary of it, while grown-ups will find its boundless ineptitude utterly insufferable. The flash animation is hideous, consisting of cheap-looking two-dimensional characters who inhabit an even cheaper-looking three-dimensional cityscape. Nurse, put this poor animal down.

4. "The Devil Inside"

One of many spook-em-ups to cash in on the international success of the ongoing “Paranormal Activity" franchise, “The Devil Inside" is a cheaply produced found-footage exorcism horror previously bettered by the much smarter and creepier “The Last Exorcism." After 70-or-so minutes of pantomime-standard performances, inexistent direction and snoreful scares, the drab storyline - concerning a woman and her demonically possessed mother - comes to an unexpected halt, the film hysterically ending on a title card asking viewers to visit its official website to find out more. No, thanks.

3. "The Apparition"

In the alarmingly humdrum haunted house horror “The Apparition," a twentysomething couple of the Abercrombie and Fitch mould move into the suburbs only to be greeted by an unwelcome, inhuman guest. Both leads are stupendously insipid - it’s clear from the get-go that the boyfriend is up to no good while the girlfriend is treated as a walking, talking advertisement for low-cut tops and silky undergarments - and the villainous entity is a confusing combination of the spider-crawling ghost girl from “The Grudge" and the door-slamming demon from “Paranormal Activity." Killed off after 10 minutes is the only likable character: the neighbour’s pet dog. If only the leads went with him.

2. "Piranha 3DD"

A rancid regurgitation of the surprisingly excellent monster-fish B-movie “Piranha 3D,” floundering follow-up “Piranha 3DD” (that’s double-D!) is quick to drown in its own worthlessness. While Alexandre Aja’s wildly entertaining first “Piranha” saw its titular water-beasts feasting on the scantily clad party-goers of Victoria Lake, this low-rent sequel moves the bloodbath to a newly opened water park, where the grisly carnage is just as shocking, but this time for all the wrong reasons. The best thing in this meritless non-effort, aside from the never-ending onslaught of T&A, is a glorified celebrity cameo from a potty-mouthed, womanising David Hasselhoff (who isn’t even nibbled upon by the cannibalistic sea creatures). How this managed to bypass the bottom of the Blockbuster bargain bin is anyone’s guess.

1. "Keith Lemon: The Film"

Great Britain has a long, proud history of taking popular comedy hits of the small screen and turning them into absolute tosh on the big screen (“Holiday on the Buses,” “Ali G Indahouse” and “Kevin and Perry Go Large” instantly spring to mind), but this one takes the cake. In fact, it doesn’t just take the cake: it takes it, eats it, digests it, squats down, squeezes it out, picks it up and eats it again, all while furiously fondling itself and ejaculating all over its smug, spray-tanned face. In “Keith Lemon: The Film," Brit comic Leigh Francis takes his “Celebrity Juice” alter-ego, a cackling sex fiend who likes to “finger-bang” and “smash backdoors in,” and places him dead centre in a production so lazy, so repellent, so infantile and so utterly insulting that the word “film” should be ejected from its title; the words “torture chamber” would be much more fitting. Anyone caught so much as tittering during its 80-minute runtime should be shot.