The Tourist

The last film Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck (that's a mouthful) made was the winner of the Academy Award for the Best Foreign Language Film of 2006. "The Lives of Others" was universally praised as a gripping and sombre drama-thriller, a feat made even more impressive by the fact that it was the German writer-director's feature debut. In addition to this, it makes one scratch one's head in wonder as to why he chose "The Tourist" as his second picture.

"The Tourist" is pure Hollywood fluff that just so happens to be set amongst the grandiose buildings of France and Italy. Donnersmarck keeps some notable European sensibilities intact, adamant that the film doesn't turn into a balls-to-the-wall action blockbuster like "Knight and Day," peeling apart the explosive set-pieces to concentrate on the quieter moments shared between characters. Sounds like a smart move, right? Thing is, I liked "Knight and Day." I didn't like "The Tourist."

We open with French authorities spying on Elise Clifton-Ward (Angelina Jolie, "Changeling") in a surveillance van, paying close attention to her arse as she confidently strides across the streets of Paris, attired in the tight-fitting outfits only models are allowed to wear. She sits outside a cafe and is approached by a delivery-man who hands her an envelope. Within this envelope is a letter from her fugitive thief of a boyfriend, Alexander Pierce, telling her to get on a train, find someone who fits his height and build, and dupe the authorities into thinking that the unsuspecting subject is Pierce.

She burns the letter, swiftly loses her many tails -- despite their hardest efforts at following her gorgeous arse around the picturesque scenery -- and hops on a train. And voilà, there she finds hubba-hubba Frank Tupelo (Johnny Depp, "Alice in Wonderland"), a bumbling American maths-teacher sitting all by his lonesome. They flirt (well, Frank tries to), have dinner together, and go their separate ways once the train reaches its destination: Venice, Italy.

However, they "coincidentally" bump into each other once again, and end up staying in the same hotel room together. Sadly for Frank, he has to sleep on the couch. Next thing he knows, Frank is being chased around rooftops in his pyjamas by gun-toting crooks who believe that the socially-awkward buffoon is Alexander Pierce. Chased by Scotland Yard and angry mobsters, Frank goes on the run, with some unexpected help from Elise herself.

One of the most striking things about "The Tourist" is, of course, the casting of the two leading stars. Both Hollywood A-listers of the highest degree, Depp and Jolie are remarkably talented individuals with admirable careers, yet neither of them are able to overcome the mediocrity surrounding this misguided production -- it doesn't particularly help that their performances seem phoned-in.

Depp's character is a man from Wisconsin who smokes fake cigarettes and is a tad clumsy when it comes to conversations with beautiful women. He is a casual, down-to-earth tourist who is suddenly guided into a world of danger, espionage, speed-boat chases, and Angelina Jolie's arse. He's meant to represent the everyman, but isn't particularly relatable. Depp's knack for eccentricity doesn't work its usual magic here, although I still have a lot of respect for the man who was Edward Scissorhands and is Captain Jack Sparrow.

Jolie's character, on the other hand, is the complete opposite -- she's cool, calm, suave, seductive, and reeks of all the stereotypical attributes of a classic femme fatale. Jolie is fine in the role, she's convincing enough as a sophisticated gal who knows her way around a gun, but her character is nothing that audiences haven't seen a hundred times before -- well, not with this arse. I'm gonna stop making inappropriate jokes about Angelina Jolie's arse now.

The romantic aspect to the plot isn't particularly interesting, despite Depp and Jolie's strains to get a flicker of sexual chemistry going. Sorry, guys, but if you don't have chemistry, you don't have chemistry. Their characters have an on/off thing going on, but we all know how it's going to end -- with some dead hookers and an infected nipple piercing.

The film also has a staggeringly predictable plot twist stapled onto the ending that anyone with a partially-working eardrum should be able to hear from the other side of the galaxy. It's like a stampeding rhino that's violently thundering throughout the entire film. It's so painfully obvious right from the get-go that I actually laughed upon its revelation.

A film like "The Tourist" needs a lot more class to it, more flamboyance and pizzazz. It doesn't contain many action scenes, deciding to strike a chord with the dialogue instead, hitting bum notes as it lazily taps away with crooked fingers. Wit and style rarely pop up in the script by Julian Fellowes ("Gosford Park"), Christopher McQuarrie ("Valkyrie") and Donnersmarck, replaced with sterile lines that fail to entice. There's the occasional appearance of swanky playfulness, but it just is not enough.

I honestly cannot understand why Donnersmarck, fresh from his Oscar-winning, acclaimed work of art, would choose "The Tourist" as his next project. It's an obsolete thriller that very clearly lacks in a dashing nature or any sense of likable charm. Its plot is ludicrous, made even worse by the eye-rolling twist ending. Its only pay-off is in the shape of Depp and Jolie, yet even they are missing that special something. "The Tourist" needs a new tour guide.

4/10