Season of the Witch

We are always told that the historical witch hunters who hanged and tortured thousands of women in the brutal middle ages were a horrifying disgrace to society. They slaughtered innocents because their religious books told them to. It was an atrocious act of merciless, paranoid killing, showcased in Michael Reeves' "Witchfinder General" in 1968. But "Season of the Witch" shows that they may have been bloody well right -- witches are wicked creatures of dark and evil intent who need to be stopped. And who better to do the job than Mr. Eccentric himself, Nicolas Cage?

The opening of the new Nicolas Cage flick (yes, Nicolas Cage) has three women lynched over a bridge and left to hang with their bodies immersed underneath the water. The priest who condemned them soon comes back to perform a ritual on the trio of hanged-and-drowned girls so that they don't arise from the dead. Unlucky for him, one of them does, and offs the poor bugger.

Several years later, we meet loyal knights Behmen (Cage, "Face/Off") and Felson (Ron Perlman, "Hellboy"). Practically brothers, they fight side-by-side in sword-clanging battles all filmed in "300"-esque slow-motion. They slaughter soldiers clad in chain-mail through battle after battle, but are appalled when one day Behmen accidentally kills a woman mid-fight. Cue sudden realisation that fighting and stabbing those without a penis is wrong. Gee, really?

They quit the violent life of the Crusaders, and trod along until they come across the same castle in which the three gals from earlier were killed. They discover that a plague of some sort (the black one, I dunno) has spread amongst the community, and the one to blame is Anna (Claire Foy, "Little Dorrit"), a girl accused of being a witch.

The two heroic soldiers are requested to take the abused captive to a monastery, where monks will decide her fate. Refusing at first, Behmen and Felson are forced to go through with the mission, taking the caged Anna with them as they try to get to the monastery. Helping them with their quest is priest Debelzaq (Stephen Campbell Moore, "The History Boys"), the young Kay (Robert Sheehan, "Misfits"), knight Eckhart (Ulrich Thomsen, "The International"), and sneaky-looking leader Hagamar (Stephen Graham, "This is England").

On their assignment, the suited-up warriors debate about whether or not Anna is indeed a witch. Well, they have one of two options. Either A: she's The Wicked Witch of the West, or B: The Wicked Witch of the East. The gang runs into trouble more than a couple of times, with an escape attempt from the prisoner, deaths in the group, a pack of hungry CGI wolves, and a long, wooden bridge. Scary.

"Season of the Witch" starts off rather spookily, the eerie opening inspiring some hope out of my low expectations. But then the rest of the film's running time never lives up to the promising and chilling prologue, the tone all over the place as the film hops from medieval action to jump-scare horror.

The film takes itself far too seriously, rendering its content corny and unintentionally silly. Humour may occasionally be used between characters, but "Season of the Witch" is clueless as to how cheesy it is -- and I'm not just talking about the modern-day slanguage. Seriously, how many 14th-Century knights said, "I've saved your ass hundreds of times"? Did they meet up with Ash from "Army of Darkness" on their many adventures?

Cage doesn't really look to be bothered about his performance, keeping a gloomy straight face while probably wondering where his next pay check is. I like the "Leaving Las Vegas" Oscar-winner; he can be fun when given the right role, but here he's dead in the water and as over-serious as the film itself. His wig's nice, though.

Perlman is a tad more likable, his character cracking jokes while slashing up attackers with his sword, making for a slight breath of fresh air amongst the murkiness of the film. His chemistry with Cage manages to work, their ample pairing enhancing the loyalty the two characters share. They have each other's backs, and their relationship is one of the few things that functions well in the film.

The contrived "uh-oh, dangerous bridge" scene aside, the film is without any suspense or dramatic tension. It just plods along at a slow pace, its broomstick snapped in two, leading up to a finale that's all computer wizardry and no climactic satisfaction. It ends on a predictable note with no real pay-off outside of "hurrah, it's over."

"Season of the Witch" may have winged demons and zombie monks climbing up walls, but it's not cool or intriguing enough to be called a guilty pleasure. Characters are just throw-away, some of the writing is laughable, and the visual effects are a bit clumsy. It's just another Nicolas Cage hiccup waiting to be mocked like "Ghost Rider" or, gasp, the "Wicker Man" remake. No, not the holy water! Not the holy water! Aahhh, it's in my eyes! Aahhhhh!

4/10