The Three Musketeers

My last review was of Woody Allen’s “Midnight in Paris,” a film which, as you may have guessed from the title, was set in the beautiful city of Paris. Paul W.S. Anderson’s “The Three Musketeers” is also set in Paris, though this time it’s 18th Century Paris; y’know, that time in history when Frenchmen and Frenchwomen would casually gaze out of their windows and frequently see airships floating high in the sky alongside the Eiffel tower as they blasted their cannons and aimed their flamethrowers at enemy airships hovering nearby. Wait, what?

This is the classic Alexandre Dumas adventure novel as seen through the eyes of the director who gave us “Alien vs. Predator” and “Resident Evil: Afterlife;” the perfect man for the job, clearly. As such, the film is overblown, hollow, chock-full of CGI and pointless slow-motion, is a bit of a mess, and is generally just an unsatisfying piece of cinematic fast food; ah, don’t you just love 21st Century filmmaking?

We have four protagonists, three of which are the titular musketeers; the other is their new recruit. The heroic trio of sword-clangers are the same as they always have been: we have brave leader Athos (Matthew MacFadyen, “Pride and Prejudice”), chuckling mammoth-of-a-man Porthos (Ray Stevenson, “Punisher: War Zone”) and the quiet, devilishly handsome Aramis (Luke Evans, “Tamara Drewe”). And the new recruit is the young and ambitious D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman, “The Number 23”), whose father was once a musketeer.

Together, they boldly fight the forces of evil. In this case, evil takes many forms. Firstly, there’s Cardinal Richelieu (Christoph Waltz, “Inglourious Basterds”), who yearns to gain the crown and thus control the whole of France. Then there’s the Duke of Buckingham (a very hammy Orlando Bloom, “Pirates of the Caribbean”), a vain walking-hairdo who wishes to destroy France. There’s also Rochefort (Mads Mikkelsen, “Casino Royale”), the eye-patched right hand man of the diabolical Cardinal. And finally there’s Milady (Milla Jovovich, “Resident Evil”), a sexy femme fatale who sort of jumps between villain and anti-heroine throughout the course of the film.

“The Three Musketeers” is a chronically stupid film; one need only be aware of who is in the director’s chair to know this. It’s a film that is all style and no substance; this is a given, and all those who are interested in the film will be entirely aware of this. This is the kind of movie you go into with the full knowledge that more thought has been put into the production design than the script or the characters. But even on these terms, and even when expecting these terms, the film simply is not a satisfying enough watch.

The film works mostly when it’s in action mode; Anderson, incompetent as he can be (see, well, everything he’s ever done), is a decent director of action and of visually appealing spectacles. The action here is over-the-top, very stylish and very slow-motiony (if that’s a proper term). It’s good-looking, it’s well-choreographed and it’s rather thrilling on occasion, but one must remember that some decent action scenes do not a good movie make. And “The Three Musketeers” is most definitely not a good movie, regardless of all the sword-clashing and cannon-firing on display.

Tonally, it’s a mash-up between the “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise, “The Mask of Zorro” and “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen,” with a little sprinkle of “Prince of Persia” thrown into the mix. There’s explosive action, intricate swordplay, comical banter, heart-wrenching emotion and slapstick comedy; quite a mix, but it’s consistent enough to last until the end credits finally arrive.

It’s essentially a big-budget pantomime assembled by a pyrotechnic-mad director who’s read one too many steampunk novels. Like a pantomime, it’s playful, it’s silly, it’s a bit mad and is very tongue-in-cheek. And serving as this pantomime’s very pointless and very annoying comic relief is James Corden (“Lesbian Vampire Killers”), who, in one scene, gets hilariously shat on by a flying French pigeon. Stupide Anglais, no?

Corden aside, the film is acted capably, with no notable errors in the casting of characters. The very talented Waltz, however, feels underused as a chief villain, his character not exactly given much to do. This is a problem with the script, which is written by Alex Litvak (“Predators”) and Andrew Davies (“Bridget Jones’s Diary”); the script, while not horrible, is uninspired, lacking in wit, and is probably the film’s biggest drawback.

“The Three Musketeers” may not be as howlingly horrendous as I anticipated it would be, but it’s still an unfulfilling movie that will please very few. No, it’s never dull, and yes, it’s enjoyable while it lasts, but rarely is it ever satisfying, exciting or charming enough to warrant a recommendation; I know I personally have no desire to ever watch it again.

4/10