Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

The "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise is like an increasingly annoying friend who's come over to your house one night for dinner. While at first charming and entertaining, the friend telling you some wonderful stories, he has a little too much wine to drink, causing him to become a bit unstable and loud, banging his fists on the dinner table while maniacally chuckling away. Soon enough, he's babbling away incoherently, his speech slurred beyond comprehension and impossible to follow, you yourself becoming slightly uncomfortable around him as he dances around the living room in his underpants to his own amusement. When he finally passes out on your couch, probably naked, you go up to bed to sleep peacefully, and wake up the next morning, forgetting he is even there. And when you go down to the living room, he rouses with a hangover and lumps of vomit coating the hairs of his bare chest, your friend refusing to leave you alone or go away.

And in spite of the mind-numbing incoherency of 2007's threequel "At World's End," the "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise is completely and utterly refusing to go away. Yes, Disney have hurled a bucket of water over the series' feces-dotted face and have forced it to get back to work and make them some more precious money with "On Stranger Tides." But don't listen to them, moviegoers! Don't listen!

The formula of this fourth instalment is practically the same this time round, just with no Keira Knightley or Orlando Bloom, which I'm taking as a positive. However, the facial-haired, sword-wielding, mascara-sporting soul of the franchise is of course still here, prancing about and jumping out windows like the eccentric drunkard he is.

Once again played by the marvellous Johnny Depp ("Alice in Wonderland"), Captain Jack Sparrow finds himself on the quest for the famous Fountain of Youth, a flow of water that grants its drinker extended youth. This quest is ordered by King George II (Richard Griffiths, the "Harry Potter" saga), but Jack decides it's not for him and escapes by kicking fruit at some guards and standing atop two moving carriages at the same time. Well, he does like to do things in style, doesn't he?

Despite his resistance to take part, Jack ends up on the quest anyway, as it turns out vicious pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane, "Death Race") is also on the hunt for the Fountain of Youth, and he forces Jack to lead the way. Jack finds himself on Mr. Beard's ship when he stumbles upon ex-lover Angelica (Penélope Cruz, "Nine"), who may or may not be Blackbeard's daughter. I personally see no resemblance.

And so, Jack and Blackbeard's crew set sail to find the Fountain of Youth, playing with voodoo dolls and nabbing man-devouring mermaids along the way. Meanwhile, another crew closes in on the life-extending target, financed by King George II and lead by the one-legged Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush, "The King's Speech"), who's looking for some bloody payback.

"On Stranger Tides" is far too familiar for its own good, the film exploring very little new ground and just generally lacking in creativity. As swords clash, ships sail and Jack complains of not being referred to as "Captain," it's difficult to shrug off the feeling that the film is lazy and unimaginative, the viewer being handed absolutely nothing they haven't seen before in previous instalments.

As a result, "Pirates" number four is an arse-numbing experience, viewers having to sit through over two friggin' hours of things that we're all now very much accustomed to. In spite of all the chandelier-swinging, rum-swigging and cannon-firing, "On Stranger Tides" is nothing other than a tedious bore that's tiring even before it's reached the halfway point. I've seen episodes of "Captain Pugwash" that are more thrilling than this.

One possible cause is the departure of Gore Verbinski, director of the first three swashbucklers, who has been replaced with Rob Marshall of "Chicago" fame. While the original trilogy's action sequences were fun and lively, the ones here are more wooden than Keira Knightley's acting ever was, which is shown in how ridiculously unexciting Jack's intricate escape from the king's clutches is and as he is then chased through the streets of London. The action set-pieces have lost their energy, no longer feeling epic or amusing, now just pretty darn monotonous.

"On Stranger Tides" is not without its merits, however small they may be. McShane makes for a wonderful baddie, his character a menacing brute of a pirate who's prophesied to soon be murdered. Depp is again on top form with his Keith Richards impersonation, mischievous rogue Captain Jack as watchable as ever. Cruz is rather forgettable, but she's decent as this no-nonsense pirate gal who'll deceive without a moment's thought. And a scene in which vicious mermaids violently attack a boat with Blackbeard's crew on-board is a fantastic surprise about an hour into the film, and one of the very few moments which actually feels inspired.

Nonetheless, "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" is frankly a snooze-inducer of a summer blockbuster, sucked dry of originality and a reason to really care. The original film's swashbuckling charm has sailed into the horizon, its silhouette smothered in a grey mist too thick to fully see through, and Depp's eccentric charisma isn't enough to save it. I think it's time for Rob Marshall to walk the plank. In fact, make the whole franchise walk the plank. And make sure there's a hungry alligator underneath.

4/10