Priest

Vampires have taken on many forms in horror films over the years, from suave and seductive Draculas to brooding and mopey Edward Cullens, but the ones in "Priest" are a little different from recent depictions. Here, they are snarling, sharp-fanged, slimy-skinned, no-eyed, no-nosed monsters of the night, far from anything you'd find in a "Twilight" film; the teens in the audience would cry themselves into a wrist-slitting frenzy. However, while this may sound like something of a relief, this makes them no more interesting than your average brainless creature of evil, characterised as just a bunch of gormless, screeching, soulless flesh-nibblers. They'd be more befitting to a video game, really, a far squeal from being a properly intriguing set of villainous beasts. Just like the rest of the film, they're an opportunity that is as wasted as a college kid at a late-night frat party.

In the God-awful "Priest," atheistic English actor Paul Bettany once again plays a religious figure, having portrayed an albino monk in Ron Howard's "The Da Vinci Code" and an angel fallen all the way from Heaven in Scott Charles Stewart's "Legion." Here, he's stupidly reteamed with Stewart to play a Bible-bashing, motorbike-riding, vampire-thumping man of the cloth -- whether or not he molests children, I don't know.

In an animated sequence (yep), it is shown that humans and vampires have been at war for centuries. Vampires have evolved over the many years while humans have always had the sunlight to protect them during the day. However, the two feuding enemies have all but destroyed the entire world with their constant brawls, causing most humans to take refuge in a hidden city under the protection of the church. Within this dystopian city are priests, a gang of God-worshippers who are sworn to protect the public against any thirsty bloodsuckers. Well, thank the lord.

While all vampires are said to be held under lock and key, Priest (Bettany) discovers that a troupe of them have attacked his brother, sister-in-law and niece, who live together out in the wasteland. He learns that his niece Lucy (Lily Collins, "The Blind Side") has been snatched, so consults the head priest, Monsignor Orelas (Christopher Plummer, "The Last Station"), who is so obviously a villain that he may as well have the word tattooed onto his forehead. Orelas says no, but, being a rebellious man of God, Priest buggers off out into the desolate desert anyway.

Finding his brother's home empty, Priest teams up with young Sheriff Hicks (Cam Gigandet, "Easy A"), who is also Lucy's sweetheart, to track down Lucy and save her from what is assumed to be a posse of garlic-despising humanoid leeches. Meanwhile, Orelas learns of Priest's defiance, and thus sends out a squad of priests to track him down and bring him back, dead or alive.

"Priest" could be described as the very definition of the word "bland." I mean, everything about it is bland. The acting is bland, the direction is bland, the writing is bland, the monsters are bland, the action scenes are bland, it's all just so gosh darn friggin' bland, all of it. And this is sad because the film's concept is quite interesting; a wasteland Earth explored by a priest as he fights vampires and tries to rescue his beloved niece, aided by a sheriff inexperienced at clashing with the vamps. That sounds cool, right? But this film desperately needs a defibrillator, 'cause it is as lifeless as a corpse in a cemetery.

I think after we experienced last year's "Legion," it's fair to say that Paul Bettany is not necessarily leading man material. He's yet to prove himself as able to portray an intriguing protagonist, here failing yet again. His character is flat and generally uninteresting, though the script tries to throw in an emotional background story of him sacrificing everything when he became a priest, and yadda yadda, yawn yawn, snooze snooze. Bettany, get some charisma soon, 'cause I feel like I need a pillow every time you open your gob.

The primary villain is a tad more stimulating, but handled clumsily by the mind-numbing screenplay. He's Black Hat, played by Karl Urban, who you should've seen as Dr. McCoy in J.J. Abram's "Star Trek." Black Hat's a gravelly-voiced human bloodsucker who conducts vampire raids like an orchestra (one is reminded of Gary Oldman's villainous role in "Leon" at this point) and proudly shows off his fangs as he stands atop speeding trains. You've gotta give it to Urban for trying, but he's fighting a losing battle here, the writing not giving him a single chance to be as menacing as he seems to think he is.

The biggest problem with "Priest" is unquestionably the script, the pages of which should be condemned to the pits of Hell to burn until its ashes are reduced to nothing but smoke and air. Scribed by first-time writer Cory Goodman, it's a series of ridiculously uninspired dialogue and pathetic attempts at one-liners, occasionally interrupted by some stylish action sequences. Lines like "It's just beginning," "Never!" and, of course, "Noooooo!!!" lazily flop out of characters' mouths, the actors looking a tad red-faced as they read this shite with a straight face. One would feel sorry for them, but on second thought, they did accept the roles themselves.

And when the characters finally shut their traps and the vamps show their unsightly faces, the film becomes self-indulgently "cool" and "awesome." The bloodsuckers are host to some hilariously predictable jump-scares, monotonously growling and scowling, leaping and bounding towards and on top of our human protagonists. The fight scenes are stylishly shot in slow-motion, feeling like a naff "Underworld" as sharp circular metallic weapons are flung through the air at the heinous beasts. There's more slow-mo here than in a typical Zack Snyder flick. It's practically the work of Paul W.S. Anderson (the dreadful "Resident Evil" franchise) at its most half-assed, drooling at its own visual spectacle with foolish awe. It may look cool on a quick glance, but upon closer inspection it is lazy and just a bit too stupid for its own good.

I doubt there will be many who will have faith (ha!) in "Priest" -- after all, it does just look like the widely panned "Legion" all over again. It's a deeply stupid film, slothfully going for razzle-dazzle flashiness, the script a horrifying load of insipid tosh, Bettany a bore once again, the villainous CGI monsters completely without allure, and Urban kicked in the gonads by the horrendous screenplay. Avoid this like a brainy child would a member of the clergy. Oh yeah, I went there.

2/10